Saturday, January 5, 2013

Revolution revisited

The revolution is not an apple that falls when it is ripe. 
You have to make it fall.
~Che Guevara 

   About a year ago I wrote a blog about not making new years resolutions, instead I said a new life revolution was necessary to truly affect any real change. Having just past the new year again I thought it would be appropriate to give an update on the revolution in progress. No the revolution is not over. In fact I'm not sure it ever truly is. I think I'm finding that we must continually change and adapt, move forward and grow, or we run the risk of stagnating. 

    I didn't just write the post about a new life revolution last year and not take action on it. I didn't fall prey to the trap that I have so many times before and just speak it with no follow through. This year has been a tremendous year of upheaval and discovery. It has been rife with ups and downs and overall I believe I've grown as a person. I learned, as I wrote previously, that life seems to have its own righting reflex, and that energy has a way of balancing itself. You cant have positives without the counterbalance of negatives. If you don't struggle against adversity and triumph, or fail and try again then you are not trying hard enough. Life has a way of opening doors for you when you are following the right path, and adds just enough adversity to make it hard to achieve. Nothing comes easy or without a price.

    There have been some amazing things happen this year for me. They didn't come easy and have all been hard earned but I have fought and struggled through it. I applied to and attended massage therapy school. When I wrote my first blog about the revolution I didn't have any idea that this was the path I'd take. I am four days away from graduating school now and have already passed the national exam. I've done very well in school and learned alot. I achieved great scores on my tests, and had great reviews on the hands on work I've done. I did all this while working full time and still found time to be with my family. It hasn't been easy mentally, emotionally, physically, or financially, but I've persevered and made it through. It helps that my wife and family are all so very supportive. I found reservoirs of strength that I didn't know existed. During school I had to learn on the fly. Truthfully I really had no time to study so I had to learn it all the first time and just retain it. I knew I didn't have time to forget it, so I didn't. I don't know how that worked but it did. I let go of alot of things this year as well. I knew financially this year would be tough. Between having to travel back and forth to school (half hour each way) and not having time to do any overtime to make anything extra, we learned to do without or to make what we had stretch when we had to. Again thanks to my amazing wife who stayed supportive the whole way through, we made it. My family really pulled together as well and helped as they could. My priorities rearranged alot this year as well. Things that seemed important before became less so and those that were truly important became very clear. The revolution had been amazing and continues to grow daily.

    The flip side to all of this is there is always and equal and opposite reaction to every action. There have been hard things too. Things from my past have crept up again and tried to interfere with my future. Due to actions not of my own, I am embroiled in a court battle with my ex over child support. My relationship with my son has deteriorated to the point where it hangs by a precarious string of hope. I have tried many things to remedy these situations but to no avail. I can only think that when I started this revolution a year ago that I dropped a huge stone in the energy pool of life and I couldn't foresee all the things that the ripples would touch as they spread out from the impact point. I feel as though this next year will bring alot of clarity and settle alot of this situation. I guess the outcome remains to be seen.

    Sometimes though when the ripples spread out and mar the surface of your tranquil pool, they can seem more like 15 ft waves instead of ripples. Remember, you cannot achieve anything great without creating a ripple affect that touches everything around you. Sometimes as those waves come back, you have two choices. Give up and be swept out to sea by them and drown, or you paddle like hell and try to ride that bitch for all its worth. I'm a realist and I understand that sometime we all just get so tired and beat down that drowning seems like a more pleasant option that going any further, however the Marine in me,(and the Rogue of course) will not let that happen.

    So here I am paddling like hell and trying to stay one step ahead, so I don't end up a wreck on the reef. I took my experiences and began another blog this year called Tracing the Knot: Retracing a winding path which is a chronicle of parts of my life. I used this as a catharsis to help me work through alot of what I went through and am still dealing with. It is not even close to done yet and I look forward to working on it through completion. If you haven't checked it out, I'd suggest you start at the first post and read forward. I'm trying to take the negative things that happen and use them as fuel to do even more good things, to create new works, to think new ideas, and learn even more about what it is to be me. In short I'm paddling like hell, trying not to drown, and using it all for fuel to keep the revolution alive. I am the voice crying out in the wilderness. I am the Rogue Poet. I will continue to fight daily in my own revolution, and continue to evolve. Hopefully some of you out there will hear my voice and decide now is the time, and start your own new life revolution. As for me, the battle rages on, and I go into it with I a smile on my face, determination in my step, love in my heart, and the knowledge that I know I have already won. 

Viva la Revolution!!! 


I am a Rogue Poet, 
a wandering bard,
an incurable dreamer,
I am Free.
~Rogue Poet

    

Friday, October 19, 2012

Stress Fractures~ Cracking under the strain

Its been a while since my last post. Life has been a jumble of  lows and highs. I believe life has its own righting reflex. There have been some amazingly wonderful things happening in my life, and almost in response to that there have been some really shitty things happen too. Balance I guess. One thing that I have learned about in my schooling is stress and its effects on the mind and body. One of the issues I have with most thoughts on stress is how cavalierly that people dismiss a person in a stressful situation. Inevitably you get comments like, "its only stressful if you let it get to you" or "its all about how you react to the situation, if you allow it to be stressful it will be". Ok, so these concepts I get. They make great sense and I can abide by them through most singular daily stresses. Its when life bombards you with massive amounts of situations to the point where you can barely breathe that thes mantras get difficult. So what I guess Im talking about is not stress minimization or stress reduction, Im talking about stress management. The almost primal instinct for survival, the sympathetic side of your system, GO mode, or whatever you want to call it. There are two sides to our nervous system, the sympathetic (fight or flight) and the parasympathetic (rest digest and heal). There are two sides for a reason. Sometimes we have to live in, or have an extended stay in,  that sympathetic side. Much as we know its healthier in the parasympathetic, sometimes you just gotta get shit done.  That being said I am in survival mode right now. The Rogue is loose and screaming. I recoginise the toll its taking on my body and mind, and I am doing what I can to minimize it but damn, all I can do is keep checking in and keep moving foreward. There is an interesting concept that I have been kicking around and trying to apply to some of my new knowledge. Its a concept developed by USAF Colonel John Boyd. He did alot of work designing fighter planes and working with Air Force fighter pilots. Its a concept called the OODA loop. OODA stands for Observe, Orient, Decide, Act. Its a decision making process that has aplicability both in combat operations and buisness. I conjecture though that it describes fairly well the decision making process overall. The therory as it applies to fighter pilots is that if you can get inside, or interrupt the opponents OODA loop then you can effectively win the fight by not allowing him to act, thereby making him reactive or unable to act at all. Now in regards to stress and stressful situations in our daily lives the process can be much slower, but its still an OODA cycle. We observe a problem in our life. We Orient towards it to better see all the facts and impacts. We decide what we are going to do or the best course of action. Then we Act on those observations and decisions. In our fast paced world sometimes life throws so much stress and problems at us it can interrupt our OODA loop, and we become confused, and unable to act. We become stressed to the point of making bad decisions or making no decision at all which in turn may lead to bad things. Everyone is so busy and too wrapped up in their own lives that your problems, as long as they dont affect them, dont really mean anything to them. I dont say that as a negative, I speak it as a reality of life. As I've said before, the world doesnt owe me a damned thing.I guess I dont really have any advice on how to handle the massive stresses, I guess Im just pointing out a different way to look at the process that happens during stress. This is the reason that you can feel as if you are drowning or loosing your mind during a stressful situation. It doesnt make you weak. It doesnt mean you are not trying hard enough. Its a natrural response to a fucked up situation. The worst of it is that we all have our own Rogue inside screaming, telling us what to do, but thats not always ok either. Todays legal system and societal niceties dont allow us to deal with the stressers today the way we may have a hundred years ago. Thats not necissarily a bad thing its just that here we are in a rapidly evolving world where the laws, soceity, and public opinion change almost daily. What was acceptable last week is no longer so, and what was taboo yesterday is the norm today and dont you dare say anything against it or your a fucking closed minded asshole. There are some pretty F'ed up people out there and they know how to "work" the system, and unfortunately it works for them. The real honest hard working person who bust their ass, and try to make a good life are crapped on while the lying, cheating, and the lazy reap the rewards of a system that counts them as "in need of help" and rushes to enable their abominable behavior. I have very little faith in the system. I dont believe the justice system will work, or provide true justice. The dishonest and hustlers of the world have passed too many one sided laws to allow true justice to be purpotrated. So here I sit, stuck in my OODA loop. I am taking action, but everytime I do, something new hits that changes the game. I feel like I'm in an out of body experience and am watching myself drown. Im keeping my cool, but I'm fucking cracking, and its not a clean break or a shattering, its millions of little stress fractures. My one solace is that I can see the process I am going through and I understand it. I understand the mental and physical process that one goes through in a situation like this, and perhaps thats what I am trying to share. Its our connection to others, the human comonality that keeps us afloat. A voice screaming in the wilderness, seeking one voice to answer to let you know your not alone. I may not hear your scream, and you may not hear mine, but let me tell you this. You are not alone.


A warrior may survive a singular grevious wound and heal to fight again, but after a multitude tiny cuts even the greatest of warriors may falter and fall. ~ The Rogue Poet

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Ripping off the Band-aid... Dont flinch.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. ~ Harry Crews


To heal, one must start by accepting responsibility for what you have done to others and then forgive the hurt that they have done to you. This is the only way to grow, to move past the festering of the wound and truly allow it to heal. Let go of old hurts, allow yourself some time to truly relax, gain peace, and heal, become whole again. Every time you let your mind expend energy rehashing old grievances, you put your body in a sympathetic response which is the body's fight or flight mode. Healing cannot take place while the body is in the sympathetic mode. It must be in the parasympathetic to heal. Its like picking the scab on a cut over and over but then being amazed that it wont heal. The physical body is like a blank canvas that the mind and your emotions paint their picture on. If your wounded inside the body will mirror what is going on inside you. You cannot become healthy, happy, and whole until you can remove the blinders and take a really close look at what is going on inside you. Even the strongest of us wince at the thought of tearing off the band-aid. Its not easy, but its time. 


Don't flinch...

The person with many scars has many interesting tales to tell. ~ Rogue Poet

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Reflection and introspection; an intermission

I decided to take a break from the series I was writing on the inner voice for a moment (my own inner voice said I should). I was outside today hanging out with my daughter and the dog  when some amazing thoughts started occurring to me. It used to be, several years ago, that it was video games, movies, television, drinking, partying, karaoke, or any number of gadgets that I equated with happiness, or time well spent. I'd spend money on the newest game, or movie as soon as it came out. I had my nightly schedule of shows to watch or record depending on what night of the week it was. I'd go out and drink and do karaoke or host my own parties. I also worked a lot, working my normal shift and then teaching on my off time, trying to get ahead in my job. All these things I told myself were what made me happy, or would make me happy, if I only got the next thing, did a little more. Today, standing in the back yard in the sunlight, blowing bubbles for my 21 month old daughter and puppy to chase, I realized the truth of it all. All those things before were distractions. They were diversions for me to keep me from realizing that I was missing true happiness. Hell society teaches us that those things are what we need to be happy. Today I call Bullshit on all of that. Today I listened to my daughter laugh and scream "Bubbles, Bubbles!" while the dog barked and jumped into the air to bite them. Today I looked up to see my wife smile at me, looked deep into her eyes and knew she saw me completely for who I am. Today I drug my feet leaving the house for work and couldn't keep my foot off the accelerator when I was driving home because I couldn't stand being away a moment longer. Today I saw true happiness and recognized it for what it was. I found a moment of inner peace and I reveled in it. I savored it, drank it to its dregs, cracked the bones and sucked the marrow from it. Today I rose above the old notions I held so long of material happiness and achieved what I have longed for my whole life. Today has been a realization that I have realized in small pieces for a while now, and everyday I realize it again in a hundred different ways. I am more complete now than I have ever been, and truthfully, now I am happy.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Scooping out the gourd, and picking through the pieces.

Last post I talked about our inner voice, now its time to dig into the guts of what that is. First lets put into loose categories what types of inner voices there are. There is intuition, or your "gut" instinct. There is the negative voice, resistance and fear. There is also your own true inner voice, your passion and real self. I'm sure there are a lot more sub-categories of these and many different ideas on this, but for simplicity sake this is what we are going with for now.

Lets look at the intuition or "gut" instinct first. There are many schools of thought on this. Some claim extra sensory powers "ESP" are involved, others feel they are simply empathetic to their surroundings. I am not discounting these things, because honestly I'm not sure if these things aren't part of it. We only use a small percentage of our brains and I really am not sure what the hell may be going on in the rest of it that we are not even aware of. I will attempt to explain it in a way that makes a lot of sense to me. As we go through our daily lives our brain is processing massive amounts of sensory information. Everything we see, hear, touch taste, smell, feel,and emotional input are all fed through our brain and filed away. Now in general it is virtually impossible for the average person to recall all the details of every scrap of sensory information processed by the brain. It would just be too much, so the brain categorizes it into importance and files it accordingly. Most of us at one time or another have been in a situation where we felt uneasy for no apparent reason. At time when something just didn't feel quite right and we couldn't put our finger on what it was. A lot of time we brush this off as just being silly or paranoid, however more often than not we end up kicking ourselves later thinking, "damn, I knew something was off about that", or " shit I should have listened to my gut!". Just because we cannot recall every piece of information we take in does not mean our brain doesn't recognize something we may have seen or processed and it tries to warn us, even if its just a "hey somethings off here." Its time for us to start taking a moment to pause and listen to our intuition. It may be nothing, but it may be your brain trying to warn you. Empathy plays a large part in this as well. A persons ability to look outside themselves and "read" the energy in a person or in a room of people is invaluable. I have always been a very empathetic person and it has helped me enormously in my communications skills and with my jobs and relationships with people. This is a pretty powerful voice, however this tends to deal a lot with outside influences and interactions.

   Next we'll take a look at the negative voice. Its been called self doubt, fear, low self esteem, and one I recently encountered, Resistance. This voice could take up several thousand pages trying to explain and really nail this down, however in truth most of us know what this is. We may not know exactly where it comes from or why its there but we recognize it as a presence in most of our daily lives. The term I heard of recently and have really latched onto for this voice is Resistance. There is an amazing book I read recently covering the topic of resistance called Do the Work by Steven Pressfield . He speaks of resistance like its a living breathing entity. One of his statements is that resistance is protean, ever moving ever changing to adapt to the situation. Its always looking for a way to defeat us or hold us back. Now why in the hell would we have such a voice in our head and why is it such an incredibly loud and domineering presence? For this one I think we once again have to look outwards towards society, religion, and family. Society tends to have a herd mentality. As long as no one goes against what has always been done and doesn't rock the boat the herd is fine.That is an incredible amount of pressure to work against. Also historically religion has played a huge role in promulgating this detrimental inner voice. Guilt is a powerful tool, and it has been deftly wielded by the church for centuries. To overcome this resistance and set ourselves free to do the things that will help us live happier we must first learn to recognize this voice. Most of us can recognise it if we stop and evaluate what we are thinking and where its coming from.This voice can try and disguise itself as our true inner voice but it is far from the real deal. It seems that as of late a lot of people seem to have this innate sense of entitlement, like the world owe them something. Let me tell you now. The world doesn't owe you a god damned thing. It was here before you and will be here long after your dust. The world doesn't give a rats ass about you or your desires. It is up to you to fight against resistance and fear and take what you want with both hands.There is another wonderful book that I referenced once before in an earlier blog that I'll put a link to here again that deals with working through resistance, or the flinch as he describes it. Its free from Kindle Direct Publishing, its called The Flinch by julien smith . I highly reccomend you check this out. This negative voice comes from a place of fear. Fear of failure, fear of shame, fear of humiliation. I know I am tired of being afraid.

In my next blog I'll attempt to tackle the last and toughest voice to describe. The inner voice, your true self. It can be elusive and we have to learn how to listen to it, to train ourselves to hear it.

I have seen myself
persecuted and beaten
spit upon and bruised
broken and mistreated.
I have run screaming
terrified through the street
I have faced the enemy
and returned in defeat.
I have squinted to see
through blurry blood soaked eyes
to devine the true identity
of who perpetrates these lies.
The face on every abuser
every eveil doer that that I see
all wear the same face
every one of them is me.
 

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The voice within is screaming

I've decided to take some time to post a series of blog posts about tuning in and listening to our own inner voice. Its amazing to me that we all have it yet so few of us, myself included, take time to really listen to what it is trying to tell us, or we listen only to the negative one. Yes, there are several different inner voices and each of them have a different thing to tell us. We can find uses for them all if we just learn how to listen and put what they say to good use. I'm running this purely off the cuff so pardon me if this all gets a bit disjointed. Its a work that's growing while I write it so I'm not quite sure where this will go yet. I am really just listening to my inner voice at this point and its telling me this is important.

Firstly lets tackle the idea of an inner voice. No, I'm not talking about multiple personalities here, Im talking about the whisper in your head that encompasses all things from your conscience to the nasty lil self doubt we all have lurking. Whether its a Jimmney Cricket type vision or the angel and devil on your shoulder there are depictions of the inner voice all over the place. Its amazing to me that as society advances technologically that spiritually we seem to be regressing. There are a million different voices out there all telling us what to be and how to live. Society, popular culture, religion, friends, family, and the internet. We no longer have to soul search about tough decisions, we have Yahoo answers for that. Values are set by TV ratings and moral dilemma can be researched and solved by a quick internet search or poll. We rush to keep up with the "Joneses" or Kardashians or whatever else "we the people" have decided is the gold standard this week. All the while our inner voice is screaming, raging, struggling to be heard above the din. We are wracked with indecision and we become wishy washy hanks of seaweed floating to and fro on the tide of popular opinion. Integrity has become a punchline to the joke told over and over on TV and in movies. The herd mentality has taken root and anything outside the lines is considered to be blasphemous to the sensibilities of the whole. I call my inner voice the Rogue Poet, as some of you may have read in my earlier posts. I have had an incredibly hard journey trying to tune into and actually listen to what he is saying. My live is richer and more fulfilling now that I am more in touch with my inner voice. I have a book I pick up every now and again that I like to read about the spiritual side of the Samurai code. It talks about living like lightning, the ability to know yourself well enough and be in tune enough with yourself, to be able to act decisively now "within a flash of lightning". That speaks volumes to me in this day and age where most people cant even buy a shirt without taking a picture of it with their phone and texting/tweeting it out to 20 friends to get their opinions first. Its time to wake up and listen to our own voice and to coin a phrase "to thine own self be true".

So now we know what it is in abstract. As this goes along we'll delve further into what the inner voice is in more solid terms and what the different types of inner voices we hear. For today my voice has gone silent so instead of forcing it Im going to stop. I would ask you after you read this, take some time to yourself soon, and simply sit. Turn off the computer, cell phone, television, music, etc. etc. Clear your mind and simply listen. It may feel silly, but try it. Sit and listen and see what your inner voice has to say to you. It may not make alot of sense at first but keep listening. Its not easy, in fact its very hard. It takes practice, but in truth its worth the effort. If you can take time to check your email or facebook then seriously is that more important than taking a minute to check in with YOU?

I got a letter in the mail the other day.
It was addressed to me,
but had no return address.
I opened it and found a message
scribbled on a plain sheet of paper.
It read: I miss you.
We should find some time...
Sincerely,
Me
.........

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Letting go to let it grow

I've been struggling a good bit lately with this whole new life revolution thing. Its great to say it, grand to plan it, and much harder to put into action. I am not generally a patient person in this arena. I am pretty patient with others however I have a hard time turning that patience to myself. Its so incredibly difficult to know where I want to be, know the plan, but have to wait for the process to work. I don't mind doing the work to get there however there is inevitably a certain amount of lag time between.I feel like Ive been told in advance that there is going to be a surprise party for me and now I have to go back to acting normal, like I know nothing, and try to live life normally. Part of the problem is that the schooling I need to go through doesn't start till April and I just want to fucking get started dammit. I guess perhaps I have become another impatient asshole, a product of this instant gratification world in which we live. The thing I keep kicking myself in the ass for is I already know this stuff. I know that there is a process, there are things to be done to accomplish my goals, and part of that is sometimes stepping back and allowing things to come to fruition. We super evolved, intellectually superior, educated persons could stand to take a step back from it all and learn some lessons from the past, our agrarian ancestors. When you plant crops in the field nothing you say or do can make them grow quicker than they are going to. Standing there staring or dancing from foot to foot waiting to reap the harvest will not make it come any sooner. Time for me to let go of a bit of control and let the flow go where it will. I even struggled with what to write in this post this evening. Once I let go of it and sat down to write,  it has simply flowed out where it has wanted. I feel as if this is a lesson that can be applied across my life. Business, creativity, relationships, family, and kids. Sometimes you have to let go to give it time to grow.

I'm also having an introspective about the duality of my own nature. I feel like a fox born with the soul of a raven. Feet planted on the ground with eyes raised to the sky in perpetual yearning. As a fox, I know the practicality of nature. The need for shelter, food, a water source, the ability to outwit both predators and prey. I know these things and can do them well, however I still find myself feeling instinctively that I can do more, be more. Deep down in my secret soul I know a truth that I'm afraid to admit to even myself. If I could only let go, transcend the reality set before me by others, I could become something more. I could break loose from this shell, spread my wings and fly. Some would ask, well hell, if you can fly, why a raven? My answer is this. If a fox could fly, do you really think he'd give a shit what kind of bird he became, HE CAN FUCKING FLY....

Where the woodland meets the water
that's where you'll find me,
Where the cliffs separate land from sea,
that's where I'll be.
When you see the hide of a fox left lie
on the top of a wildflower hill- up high.
Look for me no more
at edge of wood or sea
I have broken loose my earthly bonds
wings spread, I fly, I'm Free.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Standing on the brink with wings of lead

I am perched on the edge of a precipice. Sweat beads on my brow as I stare down into the darkness below. The unknown harkens, taunts, cajoles, calls me by name. Beckons me with open arms all the while laughing and calling me weak. I am so tired of carrying these wings of lead upon my back. They hunch my shoulders and curve my spine; bending my head towards the ground, grinding me down into the ground. The wings of lead, brought to you by self-doubt, fear, unworthiness, procrastination, adherence to the status quo. I feel tired, worn down, physically exhausted. In blowing open the doors in my mind, I not only came face to face with my true creative self (aka The Rouge Poet), I also unleashed his polar opposite. Enter RESISTANCE. The gollum to my smeagol. I realize now that in embracing my Rogue, that I brought him out of the dessert and into this world of concrete and steel, where the cacophony of sounds from technology and society attempt to drown out the voice that so recently could be heard clearly crying out in the wilderness. He still screams but I find it harder to hear. I need to once again find balance, a happy medium between his world and mine. Resistance whispers to me that no such place exists. Silence your face purveyor of lies, worm-tongue. I am Resistance. I am the only one who can stop me. Damned it Rogue, rise up and we will meet this challenge. Perhaps now I understand the purpose. The Marine Corps did instill in me an unstoppable drive, a will to push past all physical limits and endurance. Now its a matter of strapping on the pack and applying that knowledge to the mental side of the equation.I have carried heavier things upon my back than these wings of lead. Let my bones grind to dust beneath me and my life blood soak into the sand. I cannot see it. My eyes are lifted, seeing beyond. I step away from the precipice, refusing to play your foolish little game by your standardized fucking rules. I will blaze my own path through the mist and fog towards the sunrise I know is just over the horizon ahead.

Courage is not the absence of fear, it is the judgement that something else is more important than fear.
~ Ambrose Redmoon

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. Its perfect when it arrives and puts itself into our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.
~ John Wayne

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

This is no New Years Resolution, this is a New Life Revolution.

The new years is a time that a lot of people make new year resolutions. A statement of things they want to change  in their lives. I've never really prescribed to that theory. In fact I always figured that if your not doing it the rest of the year what makes new years different? I do believe that the end of the year and the beginning of a new one is a time of renewal and powerful however it needs to be viewed properly. Change is powerful and dynamic. Most people cant stand the chaos that change encompasses in their orderly planned out lives. So with that thought I say its time of a whole Life Revolution to take place. When a mountain is created, tectonic plates collide, earthquakes shake the earth, massive amounts of dirt and rocks are shoved upwards and magma flows outward over and over, burning and scouring everything in its path. In the end a magnificent mountain is born. The landscape is changed and peace resumes. This is change. This is what a resolution cannot hope to encompass. I've been reading a lot of blog posts lately from some very dynamic people who are pretty fucking awesome, who are living the life the way I want to. Oddly enough, after subscribing to their posts and reading them ravenously I began to think Yes!! I understand this. I know this on an instinctive level.... Wait.... I know this....

DAMN...
(Yes the Rogue finds this funny)

I went back and looked at my own blog, and began to re-read the things I had written. The things I found so electrifying on these other blogs were things I knew. A friend of mine posted something the other day on his social network site. It was a quote from Marcus Aurelius- I have often wondered how it is that every man loves himself more than all the rest of men, but yet sets less value on his own opinions of himself than on the opinions of others. Once again.. Damn.

So what now? I'll tell you what.. A Fucking New Life Revolution that's what. This has been building and growing in me for a long time. Actually since I was a boy. I've always been creative and felt like I looked at things a bit differently that the "regular" person. This in itself is great, however I have always, mostly due to circumstance and "The Flinch"  ( thanks Julien), I have always chosen the safe or expected route. I was a "good" Marine (yes I served 8 years in the Corps), I am 'good" at the job I do now, and at most of the jobs in between. In fact I've done really well in some aspects of each of those jobs. The glaring real truth though is that I AM NOT LIVING MY PASSION. I am beating down my true self and living a half life. I even created a name for my true creative being.... Yes Rogue, come out and take a bow.... Damn again. It was my true self all along locked away in my head screaming for release. I even spoke to it like it was a completely different person (quite a Smeagol/Gollum moment).  Its clear to me now. Im in the process of blowing open the doors in my mind. I am remaking my life from the ground up. The next few months and year have a lot of big things coming. I am going to actively fight the Flinch, I will recognize and push through resistance, I will fail and get back up to push again. Thankfully I have a solid base to launch from (thanks to my amazingly awesome wife). The Rogue and I are not seperate entities, we are one. It is time to embrace my true self. Its time to do some serious shit. Its time to rise up and be Fucking Awesome (thanks Johnny). I am The Rogue Poet screaming in the desert, Pissing in the wind.

Its time for a New Life Revolution.... ( and it will not be Televised....).


P.S. I have linked a few things in this post to some blogs of some very Fucking Awesome individuals and to an awesome book. Check these out.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Becoming

I want to become. Become empty. Let go of the past, of grievences or injuries done by myself and others. Release my soul from the guilt, from the pain, from the loss and hurt of insensitive words that leave my heart swollen and bruised. In becoming empty, i will become small, infentesmal. In doing so I can realise that I am no more or less than any other, different yes, but I want the unfounded sense of entitlement to slip quietly away. In doing so I can realise that the slights, both real and imagined, are truly nothing more than my own sense of indignation about someone not giving me the respect or empathy I feel I deserve. In becoming small I can become free. Free from fear. Free from the constraints of past, of embarassment, of unworthiness. Free to live without constraints, and enjoy every amazing moment, like a child reborn with new eyes that see every thing with wonder and delight. To become light as a leaf floating on water. To become water, flowing over around and through all obsticles set before me. In becoming empty, I become small, I become free, I become light, I become greater than I was before.